The Big Camel in the Room: Arab-American Singles and Dating

Photos and Story By Rima Abdelkader

NEW YORK, 27 November 2007, (Arabisto.com):

ArabLounge.com, Arabium.com and Naseeb.com are the three most popular friendship/dating websites for Arab singles with the latter geared towards Muslim Arabs in search of a soul mate for marriage.  The big question is how many Arabs will admit that they are a member of these sites let alone that they found their soul mate through this medium?  OR that they are “dating” or “courting” someone?  You probably guessed correctly.  Not many.  Why is this so?  This subject is a taboo topic for many Arabs and for many reasons – gossip, interrogation, and intimidation by some in their family and in their community – with the virginity question often the most sought after. 

One would think that a simple "Can we grab lunch some time?" from either gender would be convenient.  In very traditional communities, as we know, the fear of even accepting that invitation may triumph over that emotion.  Sexual abstinence and a harmless lunch date, are seen as incompatible.  Another concern is a family's expectations of being with someone who is like their son or daughter, one who has the same religion, nationality or even village of origin.  This may seem eerily similar to the American comedic drama, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”.  As it seems, this is a highly subjective topic and merits more discussion than it has received.

One popular panel at the Network of Arab-American Professionals’ weekend conference in Manhattan this month included the topic of dating in the Arab-American world.  Approximately 150 Arab Americans from across the nation, including Texas, Michigan and California, attended this panel.

How do Arab and American cultural expectations regarding family and personal relationships conflict?

What are some of the challenges faced by individuals navigating this cross-cultural context?

Online Arab dating pioneer Said Amin, Founder and CEO of ArabLounge.com, Gynecologist Dr. Ahmed Jaber, and Clinical Psychologist Dr. Souha Frewat-Nikowitz debated and discussed these questions on a panel entitled, “Love Actually: Personal Relationships in the Arab-American Cultural Context,” at the 2007 NAAP National conference on Saturday, November 17.

Said Amin said that when he compares his site, ArabLounge.com with their counterpart Greek singles site, he sees a stark difference.  In the latter, he said, “They’re jovial and accepting of the whole dating site.”  However, on the Arab site, he said, “The women are younger and it’s a taboo on who initiates the contact.”  Laughter followed from the audience.

Said offered an example: “If a guy receives a “flirt” or “message” from a girl, that guy would question whether or not the girl is a “good girl” or is “desperate”.”  “No,” Said emphatically said, “She’s a good girl.”  In other words, he said, if a girl knows what she wants, that does not make her a “bad girl”.

“Besides love,” Said said, “there’s a lot of frustration.”  So much so, that ArabLounge.com has its own psychologist, Dr. Bousa (Arabic word for “kiss”), the Arab version of “Dear Abby”. 

The issue of the double standard between men and women, Said said, is what prompt members in the Arab community to vent to Dr. Bousa on their online discussion board.

Young Arabs are subscribing to this site rather than discussing their issues with their family or friends, Said explained.

Sami ElMansoury, an Arab-American law student in New York, at the panel, addressed the issue of empty relationships within "mainstream" American society, and how direction from elders is an honorable and dear part of the tradition.  He said, "Virtue is humility within our families.  We take pride in the fact that our tradition pushes us in a wiser direction."

Dr. Jaber responded, “Courtship is something emotional.  If you don’t fall in love, you’re not living.  There is “companionship” in Islamic law.”  However, he says, “A third person must go with you so you do not commit a sin.”

Another male Arab-American audience member said that when he finally thinks he has found the one, he finds himself “looking for someone better.”  Said Amin responded, “The grass is always greener on the other side.  I’ve been through it.  It’s a commitment phobia.”

Ali Shaikley, a young Arab-American lawyer who moderated the discussion, said, “You have to take people as you find them.” 

Linda Sarsour, an Arab-American mother of three and a social worker, told the panel that it is one’s ethnicity that is inhibiting them from searching outside their community circle.  “It’s down to villages now,” she said.

Dr. Jaber, in response, said, “Compatibility is a relative term.  My son married a Jewish woman, my other son married an Arab woman and my daughter married a Pakistani man.  I married a Filipino.  Everyone is compatible.  Relative differences compliment each other.”

Yasmin Ahmed, a young Arab-American businesswoman from New York who had attended, told me, “Both parties go into a relationship expecting unrealistic results.  People are not honest about who they are to themselves or to others.  Men seem to be looking for younger women.  Men seem to be threatened by professional women.  Women romanticize relationships that they are in, meaning that they do not look at the negative aspects of the guy they are dating.”

Another young professional female, in anonymity, told me: "It's important for our generation or Arab-Americans to take an introspective look at relationships, and this panel was a step in the right direction. Thinking about 'compatibility' between potential life-partners is key, especially given that the gender roles have changed quite a bit in the modern day context. I was also pleased with the panel's educated/professional examination of the new phenomenon of online-dating – its pros and cons, and what it offers today's singles."

She added, “It's clear that the two sexes are grossly unaware of each other's expectations, wants and needs; guys talk among themselves and so do girls, but the two sides rarely share their thoughts - which causes misunderstandings and frustration."

Dr. Souha emphasized in the end that this phenomenon is not only true for Arab men and women but also generalizes to other races and ethnicities.

“Love will come eventually,” Dr. Souha said, is a common saying within the Arab household.  The next generations of Arab Americans are now looking beyond that phrase and are looking for friendships that would lead to a strong relationship for marriage, she explained.

Dr. Souha offered her advice to the young crowd of Arab Americans when using an online dating service.  “I highly recommend that your friends screen the person.  If it’s only you, you’re in trouble.  Matching criteria is important (i.e. Describe yourself with honesty).  Don’t trust so quickly and don’t get carried away.”

“Dating,” Dr. Jaber said, “is a word with an obscured definition.”  “Courtship is what it is called in the traditional Arab-American world and should continue and never stop.”  Referencing the Quran for Muslim Arab-Americans in the audience, he said, “There’s no harm if you seek courtship for marriage.  God knows your intention.”

Dr. Jaber elucidated, “It’s not taboo if you seek courtship whether on the Internet or in person.”

In the end, Ali said, “A Camp David Summit is needed.”  Laughter followed from the audience. “We need more forums, online and offline,” he explained.

Rima Abdelkader is a NY-based journalist and a recent graduate of Pace University.  She frequently blogs on Arabisto.com.